How about a little humor

An Italian architect, an artist and a Racer were discussing
whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The Italian architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building
a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the
passion and mystery he found there. The racer said, "I like both."
"Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will
each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can
go to the shop and get some work done."

 

Economic Stimulus Payment 101

"This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

"Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
"A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

"Q. Where will the government get this money?
"A. From taxpayers.

"Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
"A. No, they are borrowing it from China . Your children are expected to repay the Chinese.

"Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
"A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

"Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
"A. Shut up."


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China .

If you spend it on gasoline it will go to Hugo Chavez, the Arabs and Al Queda

If you purchase a computer it will go to Taiwan .

If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras , and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).

If you buy a car it will go to Japan and Korea .

If you purchase prescription drugs it will go to India

If you purchase heroin it will go to the Taliban in Afghanistan
If you give it to a charitable cause, it will go to Nigeria .

And none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America . You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.

 

lol.. don't forget that if you buy Miller beer it goes to South Africa and if you buy Anheuser Busch, it goes to Belgium.

 

Pocket Taser Gun For A Gift

it's a bit long but worth it.



Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.


A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket taser for their
Anniversary submitted this:


Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the
taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect
on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pu shed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get
the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot
is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself
that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries,
right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving
target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.&nbs p; But, if I
was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am
I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this
little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4" in circumference;
pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries)
thinking to myself, "no possible way"!
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
one side as to say, "don't do it dipstick", reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
MOTHER OF GOD... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION...WHAT THE HELL!!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet,
over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my l eft arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was making meowing sounds I
had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the
fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body
flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser,
one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when
you zap yourself!! You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor...A
three second burst would be considered conservative!

SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative
thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat
up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading gla sses were on the
mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet
or so from where it originally was My triceps, right thigh and both
nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over
the drooling.

Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which
I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with
it! "If you think education is difficult, try being stupid".

 

taser

If you did this for a side show you could probally make enough money to support a race car. I for one would pay to see it. Mike Still laughing my n-ts off.

 

I've seen Kosky after 23 "Iron City"s, so it sounds like the same story!

 

BRUCE ,, you got my vote for the best and funniest so far.

 

Gee Bob how can you remember I heard you all timers ? Mike

 

skunk joke

>>Subject: Joke For men only
>>
>>A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the
>>wife asks her husband to stop the car.
>>
>>There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got
>>out to see if it was still alive.
>>
>>It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death.
>>Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
>>
>>He says, "OK, get in the car with it."
>>
>>The wife says, "Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
>>
>>He says, "Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there."
>>
>>"But what about the smell?" asked the wife.
>>
>>He says, "Just hold its little nose."
>>




>>The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat
>>him with died at the scene.
>>
>>

 

HIGH SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2008

HIGH SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2008


Scenario 1:
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2008 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2008 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged them with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1957 -Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2008 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2008 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 -Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
2008 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2008 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned fromcore curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario 7:


Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2008- ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:


Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 -In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2008 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

 

Eli that's not funny its sad & true.

 

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together
the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the
gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad
passionate love to the man right there in the boat!

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they
came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, 'Up or down?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made mad passionate
love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing
again the next day!

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when
they came upon the fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked,
'Up or down?'

The woman replied, 'Down'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down
the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the
lady, 'Up or down?'

She replied, 'Up'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to
go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today,
nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought
the choices were f**k or drown!'

 

Now that's funny

 

the big switch

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day
while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see
what he went through each day, so he prayed :-

"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours
of hard work, while my wife merely stays at home. I
want her to know what I go through, so please create a
trade in our bodies". God, in His infinite wisdom,
granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a
woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed
them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to
school, came home ..... picked up the dry cleaning,
took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to
draw money to pay the electricity and telephone bills.


He drove to the electricity company and the phone
company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping,
came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the
cat's litter box and bathed the dog. By then it was
already 1:00 pm, so he hurried to make the beds, do
the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the
kitchen floor.

He rushed to the school to pick up the kids and got
into an argument with them on the way home which he
had to sort out in a gentle 'motherly' fashion. He set
out cookies and milk and got the kids organised to do
their homework, then set up the ironing board and was
able to watch a bit of TV while he did the ironing. By
then it was 4:30 pm, so he began peeling potatoes and
washed greens for salads. He prepared the chops and
fresh vegetables and got everything ready in time for
an early dinner.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the
dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put
them to bed. At 9:00 pm he was exhausted and although
his chores weren't finished for the day, he went to
bed where he was expected to make love, which he
managed to get through without complaining. The next
morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and
said :-

"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so
wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all
day. Please, O please, let us trade back!" The Lord,
in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you
have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change
things back to the way they were. You'll just have to
wait 9 months though, because you got pregnant last
night!!!"

 

Jack goes to the doctor and says, Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erected. Can you help me?
After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you, except, if you're willing to try an experimental treatment.

Jack asks sadly, What is this treatment?

Well, the doctor explains, what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis.

Jack thinks about it silently then says, Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it.

A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.

In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, That was incredible! Can you do it again?

Jack replied with his eyes watering, Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass.

 

Eli, you’ll appreciate this one

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

'I should be in charge,' said the brain , 'because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.'

'I should be in charge,' said the blood, 'because I circulate oxygen
all over so without me you'd all waste away.'

'I should be in charge,' said the stomach, 'because I process food and give all of you energy.'

'I should be in charge,' said the legs, 'because I carry the body
wherever it needs to go.'

'I should be in charge,' said the eyes, 'because I allow the body to
see where it goes.'

'I should be in charge,' said the rectum, 'because I'm responsible for waste removal.'

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work…
The asshole is usually in charge.

 

One More For ya
While I was "flying" down the road the other day, I passed over a bridge
only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing
smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "What do you do?"
I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum
stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then
four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I
slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face....... PRICELESS
For everything else, there's MasterCard!