Bench racing topic: What's the best one liners you've heard at the track or shop?

When asked why the speed had been fairly low on a run with a great E.T. Eddie Hill is reported to have said "I got there so quick I didn't have time to build up any speed.

 

My saying

The constitution only says that we can pursue happiness, not that we will be happy.

It realy pi$$es of the kids

 

I forget who said it...
1 season ago(not the one that just passed, so i guess 2 seasons) at the Toronto race with the IHRA its was about 2-3 in the morning and everybody was out and about and i went to one of the pro mod pits and one of the guys ways saying...

"yea, there was this trailer fire in houston one time, i kept on eying it and the picnic bench that was beside our pit, so i busted up the bench and every time i drove by i threw some wood in the fire, nearly got my a$$ kicked out."
I guess thats not a one liner but at the time it was funny especially with the southern' accent

 

A famous chassis builder once said to a recent NHRA national event winning TA/FC racer:
"You need to go back to skateboards."

Crew member from an East Coast match race funny car:
"His stuff would burst into flames while you waxed it."

Former NHRA TA/FC world champ (FM) to IHRA A/FC standout and his crew while we were dynoing a motor:
"You guys really suck."

Track owner explaining to IHRA official about photos of nostalgia funny cars doing side-by-side fire burnouts:
"I really booked some leakers, they both broke transmission lines and caught on fire during the burnout.

 

When I ran my blown fed an old guy came by the pits and said he would'nt climb out of an electric chair to drive that damn thing. Had a welder tell me once that he was so good he could weld up the crack of dawn.

 

Life Lessons

I was 8 years old racing Jr. Dragsters. Back then there weren't enough cars to divide the class up by ages so I'd get my ass kicked every week by someone that was 5 + Years older than me.

In Jrs. the winner and runner up would get tropheys. We went to one race where only 2 cars showed up and I red lit in the only round. But at least I was going to get my first trophey.

The track owner was one of those guys that was too cheap to pay someone to dump the garbages so he did it himself. No Bullshit. He was really old and talked like the stereotypical old man. I went to the tower and the owner explained to me,

"In drag racing, there's a winner, and there's a loser."

So after a long conversation between an 8 year old kid and a cheap old man I left the tower with no trophey because, as he explained, people don't get awards for losing. So while all the kids who play little league baseball or whatever all get tropheys, remember that drag racing teaches the real life lessons.

Flash

 

Sounds like a cool ol' dude...
You shoulda hit him up for your show-up money...
EDB

 

The allknowing spectator

Between runs my crew member was stating how loud the car was (TAD) during the burnout and launch, earpieracing he said. A spectator interrupts and says "yeh really...I heard a knock in number one"

 

I was in the stands at Pomona when Mitch Myers ran a 5.10 which I think was the quickest at the time. A guy next to me was like "Holy Sh*t......talk about 5 seconds of Sh*t your Pants!"

 

Austin Coil used to say frequently... "When your Shit's right, nuthin matters, when it aint, nuthin helps"...
Savage

 

Denny Savage Quotes: While at Hawley's drag school, I asked Savage what is the right way to pack the chutes. His answer: hey Green Pea there's 65 different ways to pack em and 2 of them don't work.

After winning one of my first races, Savage say's, It just goes to show ya Green Pea, Even a blind squirrel finds a nut every now and then.

After a low 5.30's round winning run, Savage says: come on Green Pea lets get this horse back to the barn her tongue is hanging out.

Thanks for the good times Denny.

 

As a young boy of ten, I was wandering around the pits at New England Dragway.

Final eliminations were over, and there was a Camaro and Mustang at the scales. The Camaro had won, and the Mustang guy wanted a teardown to check the winner's cam. The inspector turned to the Camaro guy and asked if he wanted to do the teardown at the scale house or at his pit.

He looked over at his car, and said "Over at the pit, it runs like hell without the intake."

 

This could apply to a number of tuners;

He can't even walk by a trash can without it catching fire!

 

Customer: "I can't get my damn clutch to lock up?!? This only happens when I use your discs, this never happened with crower discs."

Me: "What does the wear look like? Are the discs coming apart?"

Customer: "No, and my middle disc hasn't been touched. The floaters don't look like they've been touched! I've been racing 15 years and have never seen this!"

Me: "Are your disc hubs touching? Make sure they're all pointed towards the hat."

Customer: "Thats all you have to say? There's no way they got put in.... *click*"

 

Here are a couple from a very well respected car owner/tuner/consultant.

To get the full effect, you need to read these with an Oklahoma drawl....

In response to the question "Do you ever have the facings come off your clutch disks? Are they slipping too much, is there too much heat?"

Answer: "I don't know........., sometimes I think they just say f&%^it and jump off of there...."

In response to a description of a run where the car left well, then fell off the tire.

Response: "Sounds like it went out there and took a $#!t......"

And one from a TA/FC bottom end crew guy after pulling the pan, "this thing smells like a rear-end!" Later they realized that they ran gear lube instead of motor oil.

Ah, I miss the days at the track.....

 

Heres one for my hero the late Lou DeBarto

More of a story than a one liner but funny none the less.

Legend has it that when Lou Debarto drove a sportsman car at his home track of Beaver Springs Dragway the Owner Beaver Bob would kick him out all of the time for being a nuisance.

At a race in beaver springs a few years back the weather was getting crappy so they were running slower door cars down the track to try to dry it and the supercharged warriors were headlining the show but on standby. Lou crazy bas.....that he was was out doing wheelies and donuts in his golf car putting on a good show for the kids...hey one way or another right....through rain, sleet, or snow and Lou even worked Sundays. Anyhow Beaver Bob came down out of the tower yelling at him and Lou said what are you going to do Bob, Kick me out? (Bob was paying him to be there) After the weather got so bad that the slower door cars were even getting loose Lou saw that the fans were getting out of the seats to leave so he whipped the golf cart up to the starting line and did a burnout then staged, another guy who was nearby in another golf cart followed suit. In typical Lou fashion I don't think he could even leave the golf cart stock as he took the win 32.?? @ a too slow to remember mph to a 35.?? @ even slower mph.

For Bobs sake I'll mention that after Lou passed away Bob spoke at his funeral very heartfelt as if Lou were a King and said that he may very well miss him the most. I believe there is still a picture of Lou on the tower wall to this day.

Another time we were joking as they were rolling Lou's Fiat out of the trailer and the tires were strangely covered with mud we asked Pat" The Farmer Buck" (Lou's crew chief) if they test and tuned through the chicken farm...Pat chuckled, then we saw an actual chicken feather on one of the rear tires....Pat walked over and picked it up and said" I wonders who's injector I can put this in...Hey theres Petrich...I'll be right back...

Ah the good times, Rest in Piece Lou.

One more from the Desert of Iraq. We just got a new mechanic who was just telling me he was very experienced...He was working on a HMMWV (Humvee) when he rolled out and asked me if he had to drain the oil pan before he pulled it? Keep in mind there is a ton of obvious crap preventing you pulling it straight out....No your fine I replied...he he

 

and another

my dad, Harry, once said he was at the track years ago, and was there with his AA/GS 33 Willys along with KS Pittman and Ohio George...anyway, Evil Knevil was there, was walking past the cars, and told my dad "You guys must be crazy to drive one of those".

Joe Amatos' "ludicrous speed" comment after setting mph record.

and my brother Ken Hall, driver of Al Hanna's jet funny car, telling a kid "speed scares him, so he closes his eyes at the flash of green and reopens them 6 seconds later"