Bench racing topic: What's the best one liners you've heard at the track or shop?

No known cure

Ora once told me, "They have a cure for cancer, they have a cure for drugs, but they don't have a cure for racing".

 

I was at the old Beeline Dragway outside of Phoenix. I was about 13 years old. I was at the very end of the track watching the nitro funnys when Dale Pulde lost control. The only time he had it straight was when he crossed it going the other way, but he got it back. At the end, as he coasted past, I was amazed to see the headers on the "passenger" side smashed shut. When they lifted the body, Pulde jumps out like its on fire and yells, "Somebody get me a fu**ing beer! Big impression on a 13 year old.

Many years later, I found myself standing at the rail at Firebird in Phoenix, talking to another spectator and his buddy. As the conversation progresses, I came to find out it was Joe Pisano's brother, and Dale Pulde. It was after dark, and as one of the nitro cars went by I asked them what the sparks were that often flew out the exhaust. Pisano never breaks stride, and says, "Hunnerd dollar bills".

-Scouder

 

Here's one of ELI's one liners I would get a kick out of
There's only two ways to do things, My way and the right way and their both the same way.

One of my personal favorites when the Laborers ask why you're so grouchy.
I'll start being nicer when you start being smarter

 

I found this photo of Bill Dee's Pinto on fire. When I showed it to him, he said "Yeah. The driver had the heater on."

 

I believe Frank Oglesby said it was Jack Harris he ran into at a race and asked him how he was doing. Paraphrasing, he said his reply was something like "Well, I backsided everything on the last run but the f*cking weight bar and I haven't checked that yet."

 

A good friend of mine has been bracket racing his 68 Camaro since he got it as a graduation present, never with anything other than straight sixes in it. He was married to a woman for awhile, they put together another almost identical car for her, then they divorced. They're still friends and quite often end up running each other.

One day I'm coming out of the tower at Knoxville Dragway and there they are, side by side in the staging lanes. I joked to him about how he has to beat her, how he's representing all men around the world. He shot back "It's just another battle of the sixes, sexes, and exes."

The same guy has a skull and cross bones as his logo. It's on a flag he raises from his little RV. It's what's painted on his reserved pit space instead of his name. He has little ones all over the back window of his car, probably 2" in diameter. Each one represents a race win. Some of them are smiling. Those represent beating her in the final round!

 

Team I was with blew an engine at Indy 1980 (AA/DA) in Pro Comp first round. A TF crew chief said "that looks like a good ten bagger" (ten bags of oil dry).

 

Greg Anderson at the top end interview after a poor run (he was either dead late or redlit, I can't remember)...

"I was born stupid, and it's gotton worse"

 

i was puttin the can back on at Phoenix in 97' on Manzo's car when we kept blowin up every run in the lights and Fred Mandoline came by and talkin to a frustrated Manzo. Fred was leaning on the Injuector foot up on the headers and looked at Frank and slapped the top of the Injector (talkin about the Engine) says "If this F**in thing is happy than(as he slapped the bellhousing) said than this is happy"

 

another one was when i first got my alochol license we were testin at Indy and i was nervous didn't want to hurt anything i asked crew chief Jim Burt (RIP) what should i do if i feel something i dont think is right he said "go to you see smoke, smell shit or here glass break" wow what a lesson lol

 

At a local test & tune at Gateway:

After snapping an axle and hitting the wall, the poor guy gets out and says:

"I knew I should've stuck to my coke habit, it was cheaper."

 

About 8-9 years ago...driving my first altered for Don Price and his brother in law Mike Demarest--Mike is talking to me about drivers coming and going....he says: "drivers are like light bulbs...some brighter than others and when one goes bad, just grab another and screw it in"

I wish I could remember more of the old stories I was told about the Over The Hill Gang....lots of great one liners and stories there....

 

Not sure who it was talking, but at one of the nostalgia events I over heard a guy say "gas is for cleaning parts, alcohol is for drinking and nitro is for cleaning your wallet out".....


My dad to me after my first licensing pass (supposed to lift early and I ran well past half track instead): "I guess we need a bigger f-ing return spring".....


Mike Demarest to me in the garage one night working on the altered: "work smarter, not harder....because you better be smarter than every part on this damn car"


Dick Moseley (a racing buddy)to me after getting out of the hospital after my 2004 crash: "Imagine that, chromoly and concrete don't mix"

 

Will,

Are you going to assemble these into a book? A guy to do a lifetime of stand-up comedy routines just on stuff said at the track.

Make it a book, sell it and use the proceeds to an Alcohol Class Bonus fund.