Spaghetti

For 2 years a man was having an affair with an
Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was
pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation
or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of
money if she would go to Italy to secretly have
the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child,
he would also provide child support until the child
turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep
it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write
'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child
support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange
post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it
later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as
her husband read the card, turned white,
and fainted.


On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti,
Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce

 

Planes

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
A US Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the Congressman turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about the banking crisis?' and he smiles.
'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting and timely topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The Congressman, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss banking when you don't know shit?

 

Now that was funny!

 

Two country folk are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.



The first hunter says " Wow, 'at's some hole; I can't even see the bottom; I wonder how deep it is?"



The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."



The first hunter says "Look over yonder", and points to an old transmission in the brush. "Give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see."



So they pick it up and carry it over, and count; one, and a two, and a three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.



As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole, and with no hesitation, jump in head first.



They just stand there, looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about. An old farmer walks up.



"Didn't happen to see my goat 'round here, did ya?"



The first hunter says, "We sure did. We was just standin' here a minute ago and yer goat come runnin out of them bushes over yonder doin' bout a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!"



The old farmer says, "That ain't possible. I had him chained to a transmission!".

Chris Saulnier
Brunswick, Maine

 

thats some funny shit right there

 

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes,
a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand
and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance, -- just never wanted to.'

A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector in order to not get a toe blown off or his boots perforated was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing fit to be tied.

When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

He found it hard to swallow. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands.

The old man said, 'Son, did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'
The boy bully swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'

There are two lessons for us all:
1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old people.

I just love a story with a happy ending..

 

Dead Cow

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were attending their first
anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the
surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor
started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is
necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that
you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body". For an
example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the
butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go
ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a

finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on
it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.
Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid.."

 

Holy cow...thats funny

 

trust

A married couple, had made love with the lights out for 22 years, one night, just to satisfy her curiousity, she flipped on the nightstand light, finding her husband with fake tools!

She immediatley jumped up and said " youv'e some explaining to do mister, youv'e been lying to me for all these years".

He calmly got up and went to the end of the bed and calmly said,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,












"Honey, I have no problem explaining myself, as long as you can explain the children"